Not worth it
by Agent Mississippi
Summary: Red vs Blue oneshot. When Carolina joins the blues to get revenge on the Director, she gets a little more than she bargained for, that just happens to be in the form of a pink wearing soldier and a makeover!


Just another boring day in Valhalla. Whoop de fucking da. I got up from my tiny bed and glanced at the alarm clock. 10:00. Great. The Blues had undoubtably started fighting the Reds again, from the shouts of profanities and explosions that came from outside the base. I slowly got up, put on my armor, and walked out of the small bedroom that I shared with Caboose, seeing that he is the most innocent and stupid one here. I also just wore the first layer of my armor to bed, since I had only the clothes off my back since escaping The Insurrection, so I never had to undress in front of him, or any of them, for that matter. I want to stress that part.

I walked outside and stretched, feeling the sun on my exposed face, then picked up my helmet and went to see what the situation was. Tucker was using his "endless" supply of lame excuses to try and talk Church out of sending him on a suicide mission, and failing miserably. While Church was ignoring Tucker and shooting the Reds. Well, trying to shoot the Reds. Their sergeant was busy shooting one of his own team members - the yellow one, the maroon one was trying to fix their car and talking to a spanish robot that he couldn't understand, while the pink one tried repeatedly to take off the maroon one's helmet and fix his hair or something. All the while, Caboose was flirting with a talking tank, obviously oblivious to the battle, and the fact that the tank was already in a romantic relationship with the Red's spanish robot.

Yep, everything was normal. But once I turned around to leave, I saw something very strange: the Reds were actually **winning**.

It all started with the sergeant. He was shooting at the yellow soldier, who ducked behind Church for cover. Then he accidentally shot Church instead of his target, the soldier on his own team! Church collapsed, then came Tucker, who was hit in the head by the butt of Church's rifle when it flew out of his hand. Then the maroon one got the car working and accidentally ran over Church and Tucker while they were immobilized. What a bunch of idiots. Caboose was no doubt the easiest to capture. All the Reds had to do was shout: "Okay Caboose! We have cookies now!" And he came. I'm surprised he wasn't abducted when he was little, since it was so easy for the team that he's fighting against to do it. I couldn't help but feel bad for the guy as the Reds knocked him out and gagged him.

_"Huh. And I'm supposed to be the only 'tough' soldier in this canyon." _

My thoughts strayed back to the Insurrection, and I clenched my fists.

_"Texas didn't have the right to take all that I had worked so hard to build! She was a bitch. A complete, insufferable, bitch. Then again, maybe I was too, considering that I was at the top before her. I wonder if people thought of me like I think of her? Does she even deserve my hatred? _

_What am I saying? Of course she does! I worked so hard to be Number One, only to discover it was for some freak's creepy science project! And throughout all of my flattery and willingness, Texas remained the Director's favorite. I suppose she always will. Oh, she can have the Director! I hate him! After all… winning isn't all it's cracked up to be." _

I was shaken out of my thoughts when I heard a shout from behind me.

"HEY SIMMONS! LOOK! ANOTHER BLUE!"

The sound of a car starting could be heard from across the canyon, but I stood my ground. If Texas could take on these idiots, then I definitely could. I could hear their shouts, and the muffled protests of Church, who was miraculously conscious, but there was something else… music? The car tore across the grassy ground, and got even closer to me. Yep. That was definitely music. How on earth did they get reception here? More importantly, how did they even install a radio in to a car given to them by the military? Back to the matter at hand, a car was heading towards me at about a hundred miles an hour, and I was in the middle of a box-canyon in the middle of nowhere. So I couldn't exactly run. There were two options: climb the base, and the more fun option: blow the car up. The only problem was, I didn't have a weapon. My fists would do just fine, though.

They stopped about fifty feet away from me.

"Hey Blue!" The maroon one called out.

"Surrender or we'll take the other Blues back to Red base!"

"No." Came my steady answer. I wasn't going to just give up the Alpha. He was the only way to kill the Director, and if this war ended... well, I could just forget about that.

"Okay! you asked for it!"

I backed up a bit, and they laughed.

"Look! She's scared!"

My hand darted up and removed my helmet in one swift move. I glared at them. My left foot went back another step as the car started up again and the Reds continued to laugh. I started to run as fast as I could towards the car. The Reds stopped laughing, and their confused expressions soon turned to ones of horror as I leapt in to the air and brought my fist down on the windshield. I ducked as the car flipped over and the Reds tumbled out of their vehicle, along with the Blues, and the machine gun turret. Perfect. I picked the turret up, kicked the unconscious Blues (and Church) out of the way, and began phase two of my plan. Smirking, I beat the maroon one over the head with the scrap piece of metal that I was using for a weapon and kicked him in to the wrecked car. The yellow one was trying to scramble away on his hands and knees, but I picked him up by the collar, threw him on the ground, and gripping the broken turret like a baseball bat, smashed him in the balls with it. He mumbled something like, "Not again!" I really did not want to know what he meant. Finally, the sergeant took off his helmet, walked up to me and said: "Miss. That was the finest fighting I've ever seen from a Blue! Would you consider joining the Red team? You would be fantastic at Grifball!"

"Aww, thanks old man." I replied and stepped much closer to him until or faces were a shotgun's length apart. I was nearly a head taller than him, so I had to tilt my head down a bit. "Do you want to know how I got this good?" I whispered. He nodded vigorously.

"Yes! I would use your technique on Grif any day!"

I gripped the turret tighter behind my back and smirked.

"I'm not a Blue. I'm a freelancer."

His eyes widened, and he tried to scramble away, but it was too late. I kicked the shotgun out of his hands and threw a punched to his face. Lastly, I stepped back and pegged him in the stomach with the broken gun. He flew back fifty feet and the now useless piece of metal fell to the ground. I nodded in satisfaction and turned to get my helmet. What I saw surprised me. The car was gone, and so were the Reds and Blues.

_"Wait. Wasn't there a pink one too? Oh no." _

I scrambled to get my helmet and ran to the Red's base. The pink one must've gotten the others up and driven the car back to their base while I was beating the hell out of their sergeant.

* * *

><p>When I finally arrived, it seems they were expecting me. All except the sergeant, who was halfway across the canyon.<p>

Most of them looked scared, as if I was going to beat them up again, all except one. The pink one. He walked up to me with a smug look on his face. Cocky bastard.

"Well look who decided to show up." He said.

"Nice pink armor." I replied dryly.

"It's not pink! It's lightish red!" He whined.

This guy was an idiot.

"Listen. I need the Blues back, and I'm taking them, whether you guys like it or not."

I took off my helmet again and stared threateningly at him. He gulped, but held his ground. Well, at least he wasn't as much of a wuss as the rest of them.

"You can have the Blues, but only if you do something for us in return. It'll only take a second."

Donut said quickly and started to giggle. I have never heard that sound come out of a man's mouth.** Ever**. This place is so weird. All I knew in this situation is that I didn't have time for this. I needed to get even with the Director as soon as possible, and when this idiot started to jump up and down and constantly repeat "please?" and poke me, I made my decision. Nothing he was going to do to me could be more annoying than this.

"Okay. Fine."

"Yes!" He grinned and held out his hand.

"Franklin Delano Donut, fashion makeover extraordinaire!"

_"What had I just gotten myself in to?" _

* * *

><p>An hour later, after being poked and prodded and squeezed in to a dress three sizes too small by the girliest man I've ever met, we were finished, and I was wearing the longest, ugliest thing I have ever seen. The dress was bright aqua, it it was strapless and <strong>very<strong> low-cut, and it had a split up the side.

_"Why did this guy have so many dresses in his closet?" _

After that, Donut had pulled about half of my hair out to shove in a whole bunch of bobby pins and a gigantic bow. It looked like a decorated bird's nest. After finally proclaiming that he was done, I stood up and sighed in relief.

Grif wolf whistled at me, to which I replied by punching him in the face, then almost kicking him between the legs, but the action made my dress rip a bit in the back, and Simmons couldn't help but snicker at that. I glared at him, and turned back to Donut.

"Alright Donut. You've had your fun. Now you've got five goddamn seconds to give me back the blues, or I will rip your fucking head off."

"Now now Carolina, you're hardly in a position to argue. We'll give you back the blues, but only if you wear the outfit for the rest of the month, no armor."

"You know what? You can keep the blues. they were lousy soldiers anyway."

I snatched my armor from Donut and began to claw at the various bobby pins sticking out of my head at various angles.

"And will someone PLEASE GET THIS DAMN BOW OUT OF MY HAIR?"

* * *

><p><strong>Yes. Donut is supposed to be dead, I know. But I just thought this would be funny, so just imagine that when Wash shot him, he was still alive and Doc's just a really crappy medic for thinking that he was dead. I also made a drawing for this on deviantART! Here's the link: Carolina and Donut. <strong>**Enjoy! and please review!**


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